


As Hard As I Try...

by KKetura



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Force Bond, Hand Touches, One Shot, Redemption with a twist, Shower tension, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Burn That's Not So Slow, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 01:39:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13156449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KKetura/pseuds/KKetura
Summary: When her friends find out about her force bond with Kylo Ren, Rey finds herself more alone than ever. But in her forced solitude, she slowly discovers a better understanding of herself and the man to whom she's inextricably linked.One Shot. Complete.





	As Hard As I Try...

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my one shot that somehow turned into this beast. Thanks for taking a look. Hope you enjoy!

Rey flipped over the last page of the book, skimming the sparse writing there and her heart clenched painfully as she found nothing. She slammed the cover closed and threw the text across the ship with a bitter cry, pulling her knees up to her chest.

“Rey?” a voice called as Finn appeared around the corner, glancing uneasily at her then the book sprawled against the bulkhead and the floor.

She sighed, unfolding herself. She’d come to the Falcon for some much needed solitude. Before when she had spent time with the Resistance, it had been easy to fade into the background. She had been nobody—still was nobody. Now, with their numbers so low, and every one of the survivors having been a witness to her growing force powers, she felt like she couldn’t breathe without someone wanting to talk to her. After having spent so much of her life alone, she found the constant company almost suffocating.

And none of that even touched on the other company she couldn’t shake, no matter how hard she tried or how much she wished it would fade.  The presence that wasn’t affected by walls or distance. The real reason she was frantically searching through the dull, Jedi texts she’d stolen from Luke.

“Are you alright?” Finn asked, grabbing the book and coming closer to sit on the other side of the hologram table. “I know things have been pretty crazy and we haven’t had a real chance to talk since we left and came back.”

They’d returned to Crait after a few weeks of planet hopping. Leia had rightly predicted that there was nothing to keep the First Order on the mineral planet after their escape. Their small band had returned to find some destruction of the antiquated rebel equipment, but it had been obvious that the First Order had left in a hurry without conducting a full scale purge of the base.

Rey looked over at her friend, the first real friend that she had ever had. “We’ve all been busy. There’s so few of us, and so much work to do…” She trailed off, looking back at the book she’d thrown.

“But are you  _okay_?” he asked again. “You just haven’t been yourself. I don’t know what happened on Ach-To, and then losing Luke…” Finn shook his head. She hadn’t been able to tell anyone about her failed trip to the Supremacy and Chewie had promised to keep quiet. Explaining why she’d gone would have brought up too many questions about her connection to Kylo Ren. She could barely think about it in the confines of her own mind, let alone out loud with another person. “All I’m saying,” Finn continued, “is if you need to talk, I can talk. Or you can talk to me, I mean. We can talk to each other.”

Rey smiled, for once, not having to force it. “I’m fine. Really. I just needed some quiet. I’ve been trying to read these books about the Jedi.”

“I’m guessing that hasn’t been going well.” He pushed the ancient book over to her.

“You have no idea,” she said, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice. She forced herself not to dwell on her current failure. “How’s Rose doing? I saw she was out of the med bay today.”

Finn grinned slightly. “Way better. She wanted to go work on the recovered speeders already, but I talked her into getting a little more rest before she jumps right back into work.”

Rey matched his grin and started to reply when she felt it.

It felt like her world slowed, and something she was all too familiar with tugged at her being, causing her breath to catch. Sound fell away as she looked up and saw Ben standing on the opposite side of the cabin.

His gaze snapped to hers and she saw him exhale slowly. The Force had only brought them together one other time since their initial escape from Crait. They’d stopped at a supply post on their way back to the mineral planet when she’d suddenly felt him behind her in the crowd of people. She’d only had time to turn, their gaze meeting briefly, before it had ended. She’d hoped that that would have been the end of it, the last dying throes of the bond as Snoke vanished from their lives. Despite that hope, something had made her doubt it would be the case. She could almost sense Ben on the outskirts of her consciousness if she concentrated. A part of her knew that their connection was far from over.

He didn’t move, just stared at her. She knew he was angry, betrayed by her choice, just as she was betrayed and broken by his, but he didn’t look angry now. Her brows furrowed at the look on his face, a mix of intense resolve and determination, maybe even relief. 

She fought the urge to scramble to her feet, whether to run or defend herself, she didn’t know.

Something grabbed her arm and she jerked hard, nearly falling out of her seat as she turned and saw Finn next to her, a worried expression on his face. “What’s going on?” he asked, his voice seeming to echo across a vast distance.

Ben stepped towards them, and she roughly pulled away from Finn, stumbling to her feet and falling back. “Who’s there with you?” Ben asked, his gaze flicking around her before locking on her own again.

She forced herself to ignore him, turning to Finn instead. “I’m done. We should probably get back.”

“Rey, what is it? You can talk to me, really!” Finn said, his voice thick with concern.

She glanced at Ben, feeling the sting of his betrayal all over again. “It’s nothing.” She grabbed the book off the table and shoved it into the drawer with the other Jedi texts from the island. “Poe said he was getting back this afternoon from his supply run. We should go and see if we can snag some actual food for dinner before it all gets unloaded.” At that moment, she really didn’t really care if she only had quarter portions for the rest of the week, but she desperately needed to get off the Falcon and hopefully as far away from Ben as possible.

Finn stared at her with blatant concern, but he reluctantly nodded. She practically ran off the ship, making her way for the narrow opening that she’d cleared only weeks earlier and back into the base.

“You know you can’t actually run away from me,” Ben said, walking close behind her. “Any more than I can make this stop.”

Rey wanted to scream. “Then stop following me,” she said in a low voice instead.

“Tell me where you are.”

“You can’t mind trick me through… whatever  _this_  is.”

“I know.”

She spun on him angrily, forcing herself not to backup when she realized how close he was. She wanted to scream and rage at him, but Finn appeared around the corner of the tunnel and she let out a frustrated breath. “Go. Away,” she said instead and turned back around.

Poe was already unloading his ship with the help of a few others by the time they arrived in the main hanger. When he saw Rey and Finn approaching he handed off one of the boxes and jogged towards them, a wide grin on his face.

“How’d it go?” Finn asked. “Any First Order trouble?”

“Nothing we couldn’t shake. I think they’re in a bit of disarray after losing Snoke.” He looked at Rey and his grin fell somewhat. “I did find out something though. There’s a bounty out on you.”

Rey stiffened, forcing herself not to spin around to glare at Ben. “What do you mean, a bounty?”

“The First Order is offering a lot, and I mean a lot, of credits for your capture, dead or alive. Every bounty hunter from the Core to the Outer Rim is going to have their eye out for you.”

“Oh,” she said softly, feeling oddly lost. She was nobody. The idea of so many people knowing who she was and actively pursuing her seemed like such a foreign concept that she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it.

She turned, looking for him, needing to ask if he was responsible for what she had just heard, if what they experienced together really meant so little to him. She blinked, looking around the hanger, but he was gone.

“Rey?” Poe’s voice pulled her back and she turned to face him, all her nerves on edge. “Are you alright?”

Finn shot her a knowing look that she ignored. “I’m fine. I think I’m going to go.”

“What about the food for later?”

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.” She practically fled the hanger and headed back to the Falcon. She had a room inside the base, but it was damp and dark, and every time she was in it she felt trapped. She’d started sleeping on the ship a few days before, finding it oddly more comforting.

She fell into the pilot chair in the cockpit, pulling her knees up under her chin, and closed her eyes.

She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until that familiar tug pulled her out of it. She blinked awake slowly to find Ben sitting across from her, watching in silence. Neither spoke for several long drawn out moments, just taking the time to soak in each other’s company.

“Why did you do it?” she asked finally.

His brow furrowed slightly. “What?”

“The bounty you put on me. Dead or alive. Why?”

His frown deepened with confusion for a moment before a look of pure rage ripped across his face. “I didn’t.”

Rey sat up. “They said the First Order did. Aren’t you the Supreme Leader now?”

His fists clenched where they rested on his knees. “It had to be Hux. He thinks you killed Snoke.”

“Of course he does,” she said with a small shake of her head. “It doesn’t matter. You won’t find me.”

“You don’t understand. Hux is being... difficult. He has called in the other Knights of Ren. If they decide to come after you…”

“I’ll be fine.”

“You’ll be dead!” he snapped, standing. “Come to me, Rey. I can protect you.”

“You know I can’t do that,” she said, rising as well, not nearly enough space between them in the small cockpit. She wondered where he was, if the space he was seeing her in was as small.

“Not can’t. Won’t. You  _refuse_  to realize your potential. What a waste,” he sneered.

“You’re one to talk, Ben Solo. You could be so much more. I’ve  _seen_  what we could be together. We could be so much more than we are now.”

He stepped closer to her and she stepped back, almost falling back into the seat. “If your vision is true, then  _so is mine_.” He raised a hand towards her, but she slapped it away and a split second later he was gone.

Rey let out her held breath, gasping for air as she fell back into the seat of the Falcon. She let out a frustrated shout and let her head fall into her hands, feeling drained.

“Rey?” a voice asked.

She jerked to her feet to find Poe staring at her, eyes wide and wary, with a pail of food dangling from his hand.   “How long have you been there?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Long enough. Finn said you’d been acting strange all day. He was worried about you. Now I know why.” His expression hardened slightly, and he stepped back for her to proceed him. “We need to go talk to Leia.”

Rey didn’t move, trying to push down the mortification she felt that someone had found out her secret. She barely knew Poe, but she knew he was a good man, and beyond loyal to Leia and the Resistance, but she didn’t want to go with him. “I don’t want to bother her with this. She has enough on her mind right now.”

“You have some kind of connection to  _Kylo Ren_! He’s now the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Do you have any idea how dangerous that is, Rey? The information he could get from you could destroy us!” He ran a hand through his dark hair, shaking his head. “I don’t know anything about the Force, but Leia does. She’ll know what to do.”

“I don’t think—”

His hand slipped to belt, close to his blaster. “I’m not asking, Rey. I don’t know how deep that monster has gotten into your head. I’m sorry.”

She ignored the hurt she felt at his mistrust. She understood it. She forced herself to her feet and brushed past him. Poe stopped her at the exit ramp however, looking unsure. “On second thought, I’ll have her come here,” he said, grabbing his comm link.

“I was just inside the base, Poe. There’s nothing for me to see that I haven’t seen already. And besides, this link doesn’t work like that.”

“We’ll just wait here.”

They made their way back to the lounge area to wait. Rey sank onto the bench where she’d been reading earlier and Poe leaned against the tech station across from her, a conflicted look on his face.

“I really am sorry about this. You’ve done so many amazing things for the Resistance. I don’t think you’d ever willingly do anything to hurt us. But I’ve met Kylo Ren, I’ve seen what he’s capable of, and if he can gain some sort of hold over you…”

“He can’t. He won’t.”

Poe frowned. “What were you talking about earlier?

“I asked him why he put a bounty on me.”

“What did he say?”

“He said he didn’t do it. It was Hux.”

“And you believe him?”

Rey looked away. “You don’t understand. He doesn’t want me dead.”

“You’re right. I don’t understand,” he said, coming and sitting across from her.

It was almost an hour before they heard someone walking through the Falcon. Poe jumped to his feet when Leia rounded the corner. Rey stood more slowly, anxiety clenching her stomach.

“What’s going on, Poe?” Leia asked, looking between the two.

The x-wing pilot turned and motioned to Rey. “Tell her.”

Rey opened her mouth but nothing came out. She didn’t even know where to start, how to best explain whatever was still going on between her and Ben, this woman's  _son_.

“She’s been talking to Kylo Ren,” Poe blurted out when Rey still didn’t say anything. “I walked in on her earlier having some kind of conversation with him.”

Leia stiffened but her expression remained neutral. “What does he mean, Rey?”

Rey bit her lip but forced herself to answer. “When I was with Luke, on Ach-To, a…connection started between me and Ben. Neither one of us can control it. The Force just brings us together. I can see him and he can see me and that’s it. Snoke said that the connection was him, that he’d created it, but he’s dead and this keeps happening.” She looked up at Leia, fighting back the tears that had formed in her eyes. “I’ve been trying to find a way to break it but there’s nothing about it in any of the books I got from Luke.”

Leia closed her eyes for a brief moment before she stepped closer to Rey, taking her hand in hers. “I’m sorry this is happening to you. You already have such a heavy burden.”

Rey didn’t know how to respond, instead just nodding, looking down at their clasped hands.

Leia sighed. “Can either of you influence the other when this connection is open. Could he read your mind, mind trick you, hurt you?”

“I don’t know,” she said shakily. “The first time it happened he tried to force me to take Luke to him. It didn’t work.”

“I’ve never heard of anything like this. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help you, Rey. Maybe if Luke were still here…” she trailed off with a shake of her head.

“No one knows how this works then,” Poe said, stepping forward. “I hate to say this, but I think it’s too dangerous to let Rey stay here in the base.” He looked at her, his expression apologetic. “I’m sorry, Rey, really, but you’re a charged thermodetonator just waiting to go off.”

“There’s a bounty on her head,” Leia said in a steady voice. “You want to send her out into that storm?”

Poe frowned. “She doesn’t have to be off world. There’s another abandoned mining base a few clicks away. She could stay there while she tries to figure out how to get rid of this thing.”

“That seems harsh—”

“I’ll go,” Rey said numbly, unable to hear them argue anymore. She pulled her hand from Leia’s, moving away several steps. She already knew that Leia sided with Poe, even if she couldn’t voice it. They couldn’t understand what was really happening to her, and she couldn’t explain it to them. If they were going to banish her, she just wanted to be gone.

Leia turned to her, compassion written on her face. “Rey—”

“No, really, it’s fine. I understand. I’ll leave today. I’ll come back if I find a way to shut this connection down.”

“I’ll have some supplies brought up,” Poe said and left quickly.

“You  _could_  stay,” Leia said. “We’d have to come up with some type of arrangement, but we would figure something out.”

“I don’t want to be locked in a room or followed around by guards. There’s enough to do for the few of us that are left that I don’t want to cause people more work. It’s better if I just go.”

“We’ll send someone out every day to check on you, and if you need anything, you come back.”

Rey nodded dully. She was going to be alone, again. It felt like Jakku all over again, only so, so much worse.  

Poe and Finn returned a little while later, laden with boxes and a few bags of supplies. Finn begged her to stay, even offered to go with her, but she told him no. There was too much good he could do with the Resistance for him to go off with her, just waiting to be called back. He promised to come see her every day and both Poe and Leia expressed their regrets and promises that they would look into helping her ‘solve her problem’.

When she closed the door of the Falcon, she couldn’t help the tears that streamed down her face. She could barely see to get to the cockpit and fire up the engines.  She didn’t stop crying until she was in space, letting the autopilot keep her docked above the planet.

“Again?” a voice asked behind her and she tensed, digging her fingers into the cloth of her pants.

“Go away,” she forced out, wiping her face.

“Why is this happening again so—” He cut off and she felt him take a step closer. “What happened?”

“Please, just go. I don’t want to do this now.”

“Rey.”

She shuddered at the way he said her name, hating the way it made her feel, like she actually belonged. She forced herself to stand and face him, letting him see her tear streaked face. His eyes roamed over her, and though his face remained impassive, she saw his gloved hands clench. “Did they find you?”

“Who?”

“No… you’d already be dead if they had. This is something else.”

“Can you please just go somewhere else until this is over. I can’t—” Her voice broke and she was forced to swallow down the lump in her throat. “I just need to be alone right now.”

His brow furrowed slightly, searching. “No, that’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re alone. Where are your Resistance friends now?”

“Don’t,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Did they leave you? Or kick you out? What did you do to scare them?”

She grabbed the blaster from the holster hanging on the seat and held it to his head, pressing it between his eyes, her breath ragged. “I said  _don’t_.”

Ben’s eyes sparked. “Do it,” he said softly. “You’ve done it before. Shoot me.”

Her hand shook, her finger pressing the trigger dangerously before she dropped the blaster to her side, a small sob escaping her. “They found out about this connection we have. They didn’t think it was safe for me to stay.”

“Smart.”

She looked up at him, trying to hide the anger she felt at the statement. “I wouldn’t tell you  _anything_  about the Resistance, and you can’t see what’s around me. What possible danger could I be?”

“You could let something slip and not even know it. And when the Knights find you—”

“They won’t!”

“They will!” He stepped closer and his hand flashed out, grabbing hers before she could pull away. She gasped at the contact, her fingers unconsciously wrapping around his. “I’ve never lied to you. I’m telling you the truth now.”

“Why do you care?”

He sucked in a breath and didn’t reply. Instead his gaze dropped to their entwined hands. “Tell me where you are, Rey.”

She wanted to pull away, but the feel of her hand in his was the best thing she’d felt in weeks. “I will never join the First Order, Ben. I won’t betray my friends like that. Can’t you understand?”

“Even if they betrayed you?”

She stepped back, reluctantly breaking their contact. “I may be alone, but they didn’t betray me. You’re the only one that’s done that.”

“You’re not alone.”

She closed her eyes. “Yes, I am.”

She heard him sigh softly. “The Knights of Ren are coming for you. Be ready.”

She opened her eyes, but he was already gone.

 

*                      *                      *

 

She’d returned to the surface of the planet, finding the abandoned mine Poe had told her about easily enough. She’d turned one of the main control rooms into a sort of living space, clearing out most of the junk and dust until she felt it was at least semi-tolerable. Then she had settled down to wait.

Rey looked at the dismantled pieces of the lightsaber scattered out on the work bench before her. She’d meticulously taken it apart, piece by piece, salvaging what she could from the broken hilt.

She glanced at the Jedi text opened next to her and frowned. She knew she could replace almost everything that had been broken, the modulation circuits, emitter matrix, and energy gates would be easy enough with what she could scavenge from the mine, but she had no way to get a new kyber crystal. The actual heart of the lightsaber had been cracked and fractured nearly in half by herself and Ben. She looked at the shattered blue crystal with dismay, picking it up and turning it over in her hand for what felt like the hundredth time.

The book said that to use a cracked crystal was highly inadvisable with the chances of destabilization extremely high. Rey didn’t know exactly what that meant but it sounded bad. Unfortunately, she didn’t know what else to do. She felt vulnerable without a weapon besides her blaster. She’d seen how well that had worked against Kylo Ren. She knew it wouldn’t help if what he’d said about the Knights of Ren ended up being true.

A rushing sound filled her ears and she clenched her fists, forcing herself not to sweep all the pieces back into her satchel.

“Is it cracked?” Ben asked, coming up to stand beside her, looking down at the kyber crystal still held in her hand.

Rey opened her fingers wider, letting it rest on her open palm. “It is. It’s ruined.”

He reached out, as if to touch it, his ungloved hand hovering over it for a brief moment before he pulled back. She looked over at him, startled to find him dressed in loser fitting dark clothes, his sleeves pushed up leaving his forearms bare. She raised her gaze, meeting his with a question in her eyes. He raised his brows, as if inviting her to ask the question, but she bit it back instead. She didn’t really want to know, and knew she shouldn’t care. She looked back at the kyber crystal in her hand and sighed.

“You need vents,” he said quietly, sitting down on the end of the long bench she sat on. She briefly wondered what he was actually sitting on wherever he actually was.

“What do you mean ‘vents’? The book says that it’s useless, that I need another crystal.”

“Do you have another crystal?” he asked.

She gritted her teeth. “You know I don’t.”

“Then you need to make do with what you have. The crack is going to make it unstable. You’ll need vents to keep it from exploding when you ignite it.” 

“Like yours, you mean.”

“Yes.”

She set the crystal down on the work bench with the rest of her parts and turned to him, straddling the bench and leaning forward slightly. “Why do  _you_  use a cracked kyber crystal? You’re the Supreme Leader now. You’ve had the resources of the First Order at your fingertips for years. Why keep using something so broken?”

Something flitted across his face as he watched her. He leaned forward, mirroring her, his dark gaze boring into her own. “Because it’s  _mine_ ,” he said, the intensity of his words hitting her hard. 

She frowned and sat back, not knowing how to respond. They stared at each other, letting the silence stretch between them.

“I can show you how to build it,” he finally said. “If the bond doesn’t rip us apart again.”

Rey let out a long, shuddering breath. “You’d do that? Help me build a weapon that I could use against you?”

“If it keeps you alive, yes. And I don’t think you’ll use it against me.” His head tilted slightly, and he slid closer on the bench causing Rey’s breath to hitch. “You’ll stand by my side.”

“Or you’ll stand at mine,” she countered, her voice sounding more breathless than she would have liked.

“Either way, we’ll stand together.” He held out his bare hand, palm up, in an odd echo of his offer on the Supremacy. She stared at it for a moment before meeting his gaze, seeing a softness in his eyes that had been too far buried the last time he had offered a hand to her. This time, though, he wasn’t making an offer with a threat hidden in his other hand. It seemed to Rey that he genuinely just wanted to be closer to her in that moment and she couldn’t deny that she wanted the exact same thing.

She reached out, sliding her fingers along his until their palms rested against each other’s. She shuddered at the contact, at the heat seeping from his hand to hers, at the feel of his heart beating against her fingertips on his wrist, and the way his breath caught as his grip tightened on hers.

The vision hit her a moment later, exactly the same as before. She saw Ben stepping out of darkness and into a place of light and she knew that she was there as well, that he was moving towards her. It was so solid and clear that she couldn’t stop the sudden welling of tears in her eyes or the trembling gasp she sucked in at the sight of it.

“Rey.” The sound of his voice snapped her back to the present, and she could tell from the awed look on his face that he had seen something too.

“Don’t,” she whispered, her grip tightening roughly on his. “Don’t tell me what you saw, not yet.”

His response was to pull her closer, his big arms engulfing her in an embrace that felt so right she couldn’t contain her tears. She clutched at his shirt, pulling herself in closer till she was practically curled in his lap, her wet cheek pressed to his chest.

She felt him sigh, his breath rustling her hair, before he buried his face in it, his arms tightening around her. She closed her eyes, letting herself sink into the feeling of being held, trying to memorize every sensation.

He took another deep breath. “Rey, tell me where you are.”

She stiffened, pulling away slightly so she could look up at him with a frown, though he didn’t let her go completely. “Please… Tell me,” he said again, though there was a slight demand to his tone.

She started to push away when he was suddenly gone. She fell back onto the bench hard without his arms supporting her any longer. Rey stared at the place where they’d both been only moments before and she didn’t even try to stop the well of tears that suddenly rolled down her face.

 

*                     *                      *

 

The Force connected them only a few times over the next week. He was as good as his word and helped walk her through the construction of her new lightsaber. Neither one of them talked about what had happened or what either of them had seen in their Force vision.

The first night of the second week of her self-imposed exile, Rey jerked roughly awake, aware that something was different in her converted living space. She’d been sleeping in one of the rooms she’d set up in the mining base, next to a huge window overlooking the salt flats. The sense of open space normally helped her sleep. She started to shift to sit up when she realized her entire back was pressed against something warm and solid.

“You’re awake,” Ben said, his voice disturbingly close.

She rolled over on her cot, shocked to see him lying next to her, his eyes glittering in the darkness. “How long have you been here?” He was wearing those loose black clothes again and she was starting to suspect that’s what he wore to sleep.

“You mean how long have you been here? In my bed?” he asked, the hint of something on his face, gone a moment later. “I don’t know. I woke up just before you.”

“Oh,” she said, settling back down slowly, wondering why she wasn’t more disturbed to find him so close when she was so vulnerable. His helping presence over the past week had become one of her constants, something she found herself looking forward to, maybe even more than Finn’s daily visits. He soothed some part of her that nothing else did. “Well, I’m tired and I’m not getting up. This is the only comfortable place to sleep.”

“And you think I have somewhere else to go?”

“Of course you do,” she said sleepily, closing her eyes.  “You’re on some fearsome star ship, surrounded by thousands of people that would gladly throw their beds at you.” When he didn’t respond she cracked her eyes back open. He had a deep frown on his face, his gaze distant. “Ben?” she said softly, drawing him back.

“It’s not that simple,” he said cryptically, his eyes slowly drifting over her face. “I’ve wanted to be in charge of my own destiny for so long, and now…”

It was Rey’s turn to frown. “You’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted.”

“You know that’s not true.” His hand lifted hesitantly, coming up to gently pluck a strand of hair from her cheek. Rey’s eyes fluttered closed as he slowly slid it behind her ear, his warm fingers lingering on her neck.

“Ben,” she said breathlessly, feeling his thumb glide across her cheek. “You chose to stay.”

“And you chose to go, but here we are.” His fingers moved down, sliding along her shoulder to ghost over the bare skin of her arm, causing her to shudder, goosebumps following his touch. “I try to tell myself that I don’t need you, but I keep ending up here. The Force is bringing us together for a reason.”

“Why?” she breathed, opening her eyes to his.

“I don’t know.”

She could feel her body waking up under his barely-there touch, responding in ways no other person had ever made her feel. She shifted slightly on her cot, not knowing if she wanted to move into him or jump up and run. Was this his intent? Was he looking at her in a way that invited more than just the familiar intimacy she had slowly grown used to experiencing with him?

“Ben, what is this?” She asked, hating the way her voice shook, the way she felt frozen, afraid to snuff out whatever new spark was rapidly growing between them, between his fingers and her skin.

He froze, as if realizing abruptly what he was doing, but didn’t pull his hand away. “I don’t know,” he whispered, and for the first time she heard the shudder in his voice, almost as if he were as laced with fear as she was.

He started to pull back, but she moved forward, unwilling to let him leave just yet. She tucked herself against him, hesitantly wrapping her arm around his waist to pull him closer. She heard him let out a long, held breath, his own arm settling into the curve of her hip, his hand clenching in the blankets at her back.

“Just hold me till I fall asleep,” she said into his chest, trying to ignore the zing in her blood, repressing the confusion and longing rolling through her.

She felt him nod once.

Rey laid awake until the bond ended hours later, his presence simply vanishing next to her. She knew he didn’t sleep either.

 

*                      *                      *

 

She started to think about him at the most inconvenient times, times when Ben Solo had no right to intrude on her thoughts. She’d be getting water from the spring in the back of the mine and his face would appear in her mind, demanding attention. When she practiced with her staff, she found herself, more often than not, wishing that she was practicing with him.  At night, lying awake, alone on her cot, staring out the trasnsparisteel window at the stars, she’d imagine his fingers skimming over her, going places they had never been in reality. He even started appearing in her dreams, some that left her embarrassed and red-faced when she woke up.

It made the time she actually spent with him in the bond both relieving and infuriating. Her newfound awareness of the potential between them caused her to be on edge when she wanted to relax into his presence.

She suspected he was experiencing much the same as her. After that night, he seemed wary whenever he appeared through the bond, keeping a noticeable distance between them. When she would work on her lightsaber, he’d sit on the opposite side of the work bench instead of his normal spot next to her. Despite that, she would catch him staring at her if she looked up at the right time, his dark eyes riveted to her face, his brows furrowed as if he were trying to find the answer to a particularly difficult question.

“Any luck on finding a way to break this bond so you can finally come back?” Finn asked one day, looking over at her from where he lounged in his chair in the sun. He’d arrived that day with a stash of fresh fruit and they’d decided to eat outside looking out over the salt flat. The two of them had found a dusty table and chairs from another room in the mine and pulled them outside to relax on, soaking up the sun high overhead.

Rey rolled a small round fruit around on her spoon. Finn had called it some sort of berry. “Not yet. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s even possible to break.”

“You like him, don’t you?” Finn asked, leaning forward in his chair.

“What?” Rey asked, startled, letting the berry drop back onto her plate.

“The way you talk about him is different. You used to hate him. I don’t think you do anymore.”

Rey felt a sort of panic bloom in her chest. Kylo Ren had almost killed Finn. He led the Order that had ruined Finn’s life. If anyone had a right to hate another, it was Finn. She stared at her friend, not wanting to lie to him, but unable to tell him the truth. She didn’t even know if  _she_  knew the truth. “I… don’t hate him. I know he’s done terrible things—” she started to respond, but Finn cut her off.  

“ _I_ know he has, too. He tried to kill me. He tortured Poe. He  _murdered_  Han! But you don’t hate him anymore. Why, Rey? Was Poe right? Is that monster starting to control your mind?”

Rey flinched. She knew what Ben had done, probably better than most, but she’d also seen  _why_  and how much it tore him apart inside even if he was unwilling to admit it. She’d also started to see a side to him that she didn’t think anyone else had, a glimpse of what Ben Solo  _could_  be, if given the chance and the right push.

“When this connection first started, I had a vision through the Force. I saw Ben Solo turn to the light.” She looked up at Finn, his expression one of disbelief. “I couldn’t tell Leia this when she asked about it because I thought it was a lie. I—I went to the Supremacy to save him.”

“You did  _what_?” Finn asked, nearly jumping out of his chair. “You risked your life—”

“Just listen. I was there, when Snoke died, but I didn’t kill him. Ben did. For me. He did it for himself, of course, but a part of him did it for me. I  _felt_  that. But he didn’t turn after it was over, and I thought that what Snoke had told us was true, that he had bridged our minds through the Force, and I’d been a fool the entire time.”

“What changed?”

“The bond didn’t go away. If Snoke created it then why didn’t it die with him? And I had the vision again, just a few days ago. I can’t—I can’t describe it to you, Finn. I  _know_  it’s true, and I can’t, I just can’t ignore it.”

Her friend sighed, grabbing a berry from the bowl and popping it in his mouth. “I still don’t understand,” he said. When she opened her mouth to respond, he pressed on. “But there’s a lot of things I don’t understand, the Force being at the top of that list. You’re the best person I know, Rey. If you think this  _bond_  could be a good thing, then I’m not going to argue with you about it.” He shook his head. “I still hate Kylo Ren though.”

Rey smiled and moved, pulling him into a crushing hug. “Thank you,” she said, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders.

“Come back soon,” was all he said.

 

*                   *                   *

 

The ‘freshers in the mine had been a complete loss. Rey had spent the better part of a week trying to get one to work, but every time she fixed one problem, she discovered seven more. Eventually she had given up and taken to using the one on the Falcon. It was small, but the sonics worked and the water was hot and that was more than she was used to.

She pushed open the door, snagging a towel to start drying off, when she heard a sharp indrawn breath across the small room. She jerked the towel in front of her when she looked up to find Ben in the room with her, his head down, but his eyes still on her, as if he had started to look away and not quite made it.

She stared at him in shock for a long drawn out moment, long enough that he straightened, staring at her unabashedly, before she snapped her mouth shut, some sense rushing back to her.

“Can you… turn around or something?” She grated out, her cheeks flaming as her knuckles turned white on the towel in front of her.

He started to turn then changed directions, taking a determined stride towards her instead. She started to step back but bumped against the ‘fresher door, nearly tripping before she caught herself and looked back to find him standing in front of her. Her already rapidly beating heart went into overdrive, her breath catching in her throat as images and ideas she’d only dreamed about started playing in her head.

He stared down at her, his eyes molten, as he slowly pulled one glove off and reached out.

The thought of pushing him away barely entered her mind. She’d thought about his hands on her so many times since that night that she was nearly trembling with anticipation. He reached past the towel, his fingers grazing the skin of her waist. She shuddered, his touch like electricity arcing through her body, pooling in her belly. She saw his eyes close as he swallowed hard, his hand pressing more firmly against her as he ran it up her side, his callouses dragging deliciously against her smooth skin. When his thumb brushed against the side of her breast, she gasped, nearly panting from the want that swept through her.

She looked up to find his eyes open, his pupils blown wide as he licked his lips.

“Rey,” he said, his head dipping lower, and she knew he was going to kiss her. She could feel his thumb doing lazy circles on her sensitive skin as the rest of his hand pressed her closer.  “Ben,” she breathed, her voice too high and breathy, barely recognizable, but he stopped, his eyes finding hers, inches away. She felt his sudden sense of hesitation even as the energy sparked between them, nearly driving away all thought.  She leaned into him, her nose brushing his as their breath mingled.

He jerked away, his gasp ragged as he turned his back to her, finally giving her the semblance of privacy that she no longer wanted. She stood shocked, her body still singing from his touch as she tried to process what had just happened. As she slowly realized that he wasn’t turning back around her frustration flamed to livid anger. She jerked the towel around her naked body, trying to ignore how much she wanted to pull him back around and have him lift her up and push her back against the wall.

“Why?” she bit out angrily, her hands shaking.

He spun back around stepping into her, his hands clenched at his side. “Because when we do this, it’s going to be real. It won’t be some Force or mind projection. It will be me and you, just us.” His eyes drifted over her again, heat blazing in their dark depths, before he forced himself to turn away again. “Get dressed. I won’t look again.”

Rey stared at his broad back, and just wanted to crawl back into the cold shower.

 

*                   *                      *

 

Rey awoke to pain.

She gasped, sitting up and clutching her side, looking around the room frantically. She saw nothing out of place as she slid off her cot. The sound of something hitting the floor caused her to spin and suddenly Ben was there, crashing down onto one knee, his fiery red lightsaber ignited and lighting the darkness.

Rey stepped forward, shocked, but he was back on his feet a moment later, the lightsaber swinging in an arch to catch on something in the air that Rey couldn’t see. She felt panic grip her, the urge to help raging through her, but unable to do anything except watch through the bond. Ben moved again, raining vicious blows down on his phantom opponent. He made one final, brutal slash and then sent still, his breathing ragged, before he fell heavily to his knees.

“Ben!” she skidded to his side, dropping to her own knees before him. “What happened?”

He looked up at her, his sweat damp hair hanging in his eyes. When his gaze met hers she saw relief sweep his face, a brief reprieve from his expression of pure rage. “I thought they already found you.”

She frowned and looked him over, noticing his hand pressed to his side. He saw her look and pulled it away, his glove wet with his own blood. Rey grabbed his hand, pressed it back against the wound. “Who did this, Ben?” she asked with more venom in her voice that she would have liked. She felt an anger deep in her belly at the thought of someone hurting him, just like she had in the throne room watching the last Praetorian guard try to strangle him.

“Hux turned the Knights against me. He claims he has proof that I killed Snoke. The rest are coming for you.”

“If Hux turned the Knights of Ren against you, what about the rest of the First Order? Ben, you have to get out of there!”

“I’m going to destroy all of them,” he growled.

Rey shook her head, reaching out and brushing his hair back as she took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “Don’t do this. You can’t fight the entire First Order alone. You told me to let the past die. Maybe it’s time you did the same.”

“If you came to me, no one would be able to stop us.”

Rey closed her eyes. “That’s not my path.”

“Then at least tell me where you are so I can help you!” he snarled, and her eyes flared open at the pain and anger in his voice. She’d seen him feed off his own pain before, feeding it into the dark side to keep himself fighting long after he should have fallen. Hearing the raw emotion in his voice made her strongly suspect he was doing it again and the thought sent fear coursing through her.

Her hands dropped from his face and she sat back on her heels, wary. “If I tell you where I am, you’ll know where the Resistance is as well. I won’t risk their safety for mine.”

“I don’t give a damn about the Resistance. This is about you. Tell me where you are!”

She gritted her teeth, and waited for the fallout. “No.”

He growled and she felt him probe at her mind, something she hadn’t experienced since her capture on Takodana. Then it had felt alien, but now she recognized the feel of Ben—no,  _Kylo Ren_ —in the Force. The touch on her mind turned rough, a stabbing pain shooting between her eyes as she ground her teeth and fought him back. They held in balance for a brief moment before she gave one last push and suddenly found herself swarmed by his thoughts.

Everything hurt, not just the bright, burning pain in his side, but  _everywhere_. The fight had gone on for some time before she’d been drawn into it. They’d  _betrayed_  him. And he was  _so afraid_. He’d lose Rey and then what would he have? The idea of nothing made him sick…

Pain exploded in her head and she suddenly found herself back in her own body, gasping. She looked up to see him doubled over, sucking in deep breaths as well, and anger flooded her. “How  _dare_  you try to do that to me again,” she yelled, stumbling to her feet.

“You don’t understand…”

“I do,  _Kylo Ren._ I asked you to trust me, and you couldn’t do that.”

He visibly flinched, not looking at her for a long moment. “You’re on Crait,” he finally said with no preamble or apology, looking up at her with burning eyes.

She felt the blood drain from her face and she stumbled back a step. “Don’t you dare come here.”

He forced himself to his feet, bent over his wounded side. “I’ll see you soon.”

 

*                    *                      *

 

Rey was racing back towards the Resistance base in the Millennium Falcon. She had to warn them so they could start evacuating. A day ago, she might have trusted Ben to come himself for the sole purpose of seeing her safe, but in his current state, fueled by pain and rage that made it so easy for him to access the dark side, she didn’t know what he would do. She didn’t even know if he still had the ability to bring the First Order down on them. She did know, though, that she had to get her friends to safety.

She landed at the small back entrance, tucking the ship into the rock formations like she had before. She was barely off the ship before Poe was there, blocking her entrance.

“He knows where we are,” she said bluntly, not wanting to waste time with pleasantries.

Poe closed his eyes for a brief minute then nodded. “Follow me. We need to start the evacuation now.”

The hanger erupted into controlled chaos as soon as word was passed that they were leaving. Rey helped load boxes and equipment where she could until she saw Leia appear, a single point of calm in the madness. She sat down her current load and walked over to the older women, her throat tight.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she stopped in front of the general. “I didn’t want this to happen.”

“We were going to have to move eventually anyway. At least you gave us a head start.”

“I don’t know how close he is. I don’t even know if the fleet will come with him. Hux and the Knights of Ren turned on him. He might not even be in control of the First Order anymore.”

Something flitted across Leia’s face. “Is he alright?” she asked softly, as if she didn’t want to ask the question, but didn’t have a choice.

“He was hurt, but I don’t think that will stop him from coming here.”

“Then we all best be gone when he does.”

“Not me,” Rey said, realizing abruptly that she’d made her decision long before that moment. “I’m staying.”

Leia frowned. “You shouldn’t—”

“I can’t come with you. Like you and Poe said, I’m a liability. He found you because of me. And I have other reasons. I just need to see him in person.”

Leia reached up, taking Rey’s face in her hands and holding her for a brief moment. “I know the Force will be with you.” She let her go, a sadness coming over her as she turned to walk away. “I don’t know if my son can be saved. Don’t lose yourself trying to accomplish the impossible.”

Rey nodded firmly, unable to speak past the lump in her throat.

“A ship just landed out on the flats,” Poe said, running up to them breathlessly.

Rey’s heart jumped into her throat. “Is it him?”

“No, I don’t know what it is. Four people just got off and they’re headed this way.”

She swallowed hard. “Get everyone out of here. I think it’s the Knights of Ren.”

She watched the last of the Resistance disappear through the back of the cave, taking with them what supplies and equipment that they could, then turned back to the task at hand. Rey knew she couldn’t meet them on the flats. She’d barely held her own against Kylo in the forest. She knew she didn’t stand a chance against four Knights of Ren on her own, not on open ground. Her only hope lay in using the debris scattered hanger to her advantage and try to pick them off one by one.

She looked down at the new lightsaber in her hand. She’d finally completed it the day before, but had yet to ignite it. She had no idea if it would work, if every wire was properly connected and the emitter matrix installed correctly, or if it would explode in her hand, the strain on the shattered kyber crystal just too much to handle. The vents she’d welded into the hilt pointed up and outward, almost framing where the blade would be, and she hoped they did their job. If the lightsaber was flawed, there wouldn’t be much for the Knights to find anyway.

She watched as they approached, black mars on the white surface of the planet. They reminded her of the first time she’d seen Kylo Ren, dark and imposing and utterly terrifying. Their masks blocked all features and she had no idea what lay underneath. Rey stepped to the middle of the hanger, and waited.

They stopped just inside the raised shield doors, their attention fixed on her. One ignited a red saber pike, lifting it to rest on his shoulder. “You are the scavenger. The one that killed the Supreme Leader,” another stated, stepping in front of the others.

Rey held her breath and punched the ignition switch on her blade. A crackling hum ignited from her hand and the air rushed out of her. She shot a quick glance at the unstable blade, surprised to see the color had bleached to an almost white color, still blue but not nearly as clear as she remembered.

Answering hums met hers and she looked up to see the remaining three Knights ignite the blades of their various weapons. She swallowed hard. “I killed your master, just as I’ll kill you,” she growled, swinging her blade up before her.

The Knights charged, spreading out before her. She pulled her blaster off her hip and aimed two shots at the pike wielder, watching him deflect them with a vicious swing of his staff. She cursed, and spinning on her heel, ran. She shut off her lightsaber as she went and headed for the darkness deeper inside the hanger. She ducked around the edge of a ship and scrambled up onto its wing, waiting for one of them to follow her.

It was several moments before one of the Knights with what appeared to be a whip rounded the corner slowly. She waited until he was right underneath her before she jumped, her blade hissing to life as she came down on top of him. He dived away at the last minute, her blade searing down his arm, leaving a vicious, smoking gash. She landed on her feet, bringing the saber around just in time to catch the tail of the light whip as it snaked towards her. She deflected it, stumbling back as it flashed out again, coming in from unpredictable directions, driving her farther back towards the main part of the hanger.

The tail flicked across the outside of her leg and she jerked away with a shout, losing her balance. As she fell, she reached out instinctively with the Force, grabbing one of the huge engines sitting to the side of them and pulling with a scream.

The Knight turned in shock, but wasn’t fast enough to stop what was coming. The massive engine rolled over him, crushing him under its weight as his whip fizzled off.

Rey’s victory was short lived as she ignored the burning in her leg and pushed herself to her feet. Her heart sank as she turned to see the other three Knights surrounding her. She tightened her grip on her hilt and charged.

The pike Knight moved to meet her, matching her flurry of strikes with sweeps of his own. She saw out of the corner of her eye another Knight moving into her side and barely spun in time to stop his attacks. She desperately wished she had a staff, or at least another blade to help her defend against so many opponents, but the thought was gone a moment later as all her concentration went to staying alive.

One of her vents locked against the blade of the pike, holding it in place as she tried to push her attacker back. She barely saw the other blade descending until almost too late. She ripped her blade free, diving away but not before it bit into her shoulder, burning into her flesh. She gritted her teeth against the pain, not having time to dwell on it before she was back into it, blocking thrusts and parrying blows.

A particularly vicious one knocked her back off balance and before she could right herself, she felt an arm slip around her throat, cutting off her air and a hand grip her wrist, holding her lightsaber at bay. She struggled wildly, unable to draw breath as she saw the pike level in front of her face. It lifted, her eyes unable to look away, for the final blow.

And then it flew across the room, ripped from her would be executioner’s hands.

Ben dropped it on the floor where he stood just inside the entrance to the back tunnel, and Rey felt hope ignite in her chest for the first time since the fighting started.

“Your brothers are dead,” he said with a sneer, walking slowly closer. “Did you really thing the scavenger was going to be more of a threat than me?”

The Knight that had spoken early turned to him. “Hux assured us he could handle you.”

“And you believed that sniveling dog?”

“It doesn’t matter now, Kylo. We have the girl and we’ll soon have you.”

Ben’s gaze flicked to hers. “You always were a fool, Temi.”

Rey dropped her blade, force pulling it into her opposite hand and driving it back into her captor’s side, punching it clear through his body. The grip on her vanished and she gasped for air, stumbling back away from the two remaining Knights of Ren.

Ben moved at the same time, his saber swinging in a brutal arc. The unarmed Knight ducked, grabbing the downed Knight’s sword and moving toward Rey as the one named Temi rushed at Ben.

Rey could feel the energy between them as they fought. She could  _feel_  the Force humming with balance, the rightness of her and Ben striving for the same goal. It seeped into her very being, singing in her veins, and making her feel alive in a way she’d never felt before.

She was almost surprised when her opponent fell, collapsing into a broken pile before her. She looked up and saw that Ben had just done the same. His chest rising and falling with his deep breaths as he stared down at the dead Knight at his feet.

He looked up at her, a look of passion and joy breaking over his face a moment before he fell.

Rey screamed, dropping her weapon and running to his side, catching him just before his head hit the ground. She gripped his face, her eyes flying over his body and catching on the myriad of wounds. It seemed that most were from his earlier fight and had been somewhat tended to but had broken back open in the fight.  She didn’t see anything life threatening, but he was losing a lot of blood.

“Ben,” she breathed, “don’t you dare die on me.”

He made a noise and she could have sworn it was a laugh. “Nothing a good med droid and some bacta won’t fix.”

“I don’t  _have_  a med droid.”

“You’ll have to do then.”

She let out semi relieved breath. “I’m still mad at you about how you found out, but I’m glad you came.”

He reached up and pulled her down to him, capturing her lips with his. Her eyes went wide with surprise for a split second before she sank into the kiss, her lids drifting shut at the feel of his lips against hers. He hesitated when she didn’t move, and started to let her go, but she moved into him and then she was kissing him back, her fingers sinking into his hair. She ignored the part of her that was thinking she didn’t know what she was doing, and just savored the taste of him, loving the way his lips tugged at hers, the smooth glide of his tongue that sent heat straight to her core. He groaned, whether from pain or pleasure she didn’t know, so she pulled back reluctantly with a gasp, staring down at him in awe.

He lifted a hand, ran his bruised knuckles over her cheek. “Never leave me again.”

She caught his hand, wrapping her fingers around his. “I think I know what my vision meant.”

He frowned and started to say something but she silenced him with her thumb on his lips. “I saw you stepping from darkness, into light. I thought that meant that you would turn, but I don’t think that’s right.”

“Why?” he asked softly.

“When we were fighting, didn’t you feel it?” She brought his hand to her chest, pressing it to her heart as she pressed hers to his.

His eyes drifted closed and he pulled in a shuddering breath. She could feel him reach out with the Force, just as she did, the two of them meeting in the middle. “Balance,” he breathed, looking up at her again with wide eyes.

“Balance. We don’t have to turn. We don’t have to be something we’re not. We just have to  _be_.”

He nodded, and she noticed the wince that flashed across his face. “Let’s get you back to the Falcon before you pass out.”

“Might be too late for that,” he said grimly.  

She smiled. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”

 

*                     *                      *

 

Between the med unit she found on his ship and her poor sewing skills, Rey managed to get the worst of their wounds patched up fairly well. They left Crait soon after, bouncing between back water planets while they slowly healed from their wounds.

Rey discovered that upon learning of Hux’s and the First Order’s betrayal, Ben had dismantled their High Command, laying waste to their leadership before he’d left and killing the last two remaining Knights. Despite his previous devotion to their cause, their betrayal of him had left Ben with no qualms about destroying them. When it did come up, he spoke of the Order with disdain, a darkness in his voice.

She quickly realized that all he had ever wanted was something or someone to be as devoted to him as he was of them. And Ben was fiercely devoted to her.

She could still sense the darkness in him, his anger and rage making appearances numerous times, but she found that it no longer frightened her the way that it used to. The outbursts were farther apart and tempered by her calm, just as her sometimes passive nature was stoked to violent action by his passion.

She eventually convinced him that she had to contact the Resistance to let them know she was all right and what had happened. They both knew she couldn’t return with him by her side, and even if her friends would have been accepting of it, she knew that he wasn’t ready to face his mother. The very mention of Leia would send him into silence for hours. Healing would take time, she knew, but it would come eventually.

With the First Order in shambles though, Rey didn’t feel pressed to hurry back. The Resistance could see hope on the horizon and didn’t need her to light the way. So she and Ben decided to disappear into the galaxy, discover exactly how to live with the newfound balance they had discovered in one another before having to face their pasts.

They made love for the first time on a planet covered in green, plants and life every direction they looked. It was awkward and thrilling and painful and wonderful all at the same time. Neither one was very experienced in any of it, but they were quick learners and they were anything if not dedicated to improving.

The first time she said she loved him was on the Falcon, the blue lights of hyperspace illuminating his face. He’d stared at her like she had said the most insane thing in the galaxy before pulling her into his lap and kissing her till she was gasping for air and ripping at his clothes. Afterward, as they lay in a pile of discarded cloth and languid, naked limbs, he’d pulled her closer and whispered the words back.

Rey had smiled and tucked herself in closer. They still had a long way to go, but she knew everything would work out. They had all the time in the galaxy and everything they needed.


End file.
